Tired and Lonesome.

There are days where I feel like quitting. We all know that's not possible but it a strong feeling inside of me that makes me so tired. It's always about this person that kid etc... what about me? I'm not being selfish or so I think but where is my moment? Where is my time out? I'm depressed. I'm emotional I'm at my wits end.

What matters most...

Recently I received a question which left me feeling rather hurt. Someone asked if I was headed back to work and when I replied no, the next question came "what about your career?" This question struck a sensitive point and I was mulling over it for a few days. 

Yes I studied a lot as a student and it was an accomplishment to graduated with high distinctions and a masters degree. Unfortunately I'm at a point in my life where there are things that are more important than the degrees I've achieved in my academic life. To me at this stage, my kids matter the most.

Children grow up too fast. In a blink of an eye they'll be 5/10/15/20 and off to see the world with their own wings. What matters to our family unit now is that we bring the kids up well. By well I mean, instill discipline, good values, develops good characteristics, give them opportunities to explore their individual talents. To be their guidance while they are growing rather than just letting them grow with the flow. Having kids are by choice and personally for me it wasn't easy to conceive. I didn't bring them into this world for someone else to look after. They are mine and it's my responsibility. I'm blessed to have a hubby that has the same mindset and supports the family while I try my best to bring up the kids. I'm not perfect but I'm not just a housewife who sits at home and do nothing all day long. People should stop judging SAHM and/or working mums. We all have our own circumstances. To each his own. 

3.5 months and counting...

Having 3 in the family is such a game changer and I'm not the only one to think that. Hubby was just talking to me and he said the same thing. Right on our minds were the thoughts :"Why didn't anyone warn us how our lives will be topsy turvy with 3?" It's not that we were perfect with 2 but things did seem a lot more managable. Routined. It was a one to one ratio that seemed good.  Even if I was along handling them. It was one hand to one kid that I could grab. Now... Erm I have to grab one and ask the kid to grab the other. While the numbers have changed and there is no going back, hubby said that perhaps no warnings is because while it's tough now, it's gonna be fulfilling  in the long run. Let's hope so! 

The Birth Story

Has it already been 20 days... Oh man sure Time flies.

I had been having tighteness in the pelvic for several days. Nothing regular just normal cramps here and there and thus thought nothing of it.  Thursday night I started to have cramps at about 1am. Tighter but not regular enough and thus slept it off.

On Friday morning and I seemed to have woken an earlier time today instead of my usual drowsy lack of sleep self. Hubby had planned to head into work earlier that morning and I was to send the kiddos to school. After I got out of bed to prep myself , I felt more intense though irregular cramps. Something didn't see right... But nothing big enough to sounds meant the bells to head to the hospital immediately. Moreover I had a pre fixed appointment with DR Tan that morning. The only thing was I asked the hubby :" Is the meeting today very important? Because I don't feel quite right but I'm still okay to go by myself." Thankfully he said ok I think I better not head in today.

We took the 2 kiddos to school followed by a meetup at Newton mrt to transact a sale from the carousell app of Dylan's left over milk powders before heading to the clinic. At the clinic , sister Anna took my BP reading several times with different machines only to get a rather high reading. This scared me though as this has been a major concern throughout the pregnancy.

Saw DR Tan and she once again manually took my blood pressure. She did a check for dilation and the next thing she broke my water bag and I got wheeled straight into the delivery room. From then on it was between contractions that i withstand and at the back of my mind thinking if I should go for epidural. With the high blood pressure in mind, Dr Tan adviced that I should tha take the epidural early to lessen the risk of my contractions pushing the pressure up. My first check of dilation was at the clinic which was 1.5cm. No one checked me after. Was given epidural and was able to order lunch. With lunch ordered I thought it was going to be a long waiting game. Not long after I felt contractions. Was kinda weird. I had epidural, I shouldn't be feeling this. It was intense and more constant. Called for the nurse and she decides to up the epidural and said it will take around 10minutes. But I couldn't wait... It wasn't working. I asked how dilated am I? They did a check and next thing you know, from one nurse to another she said:"you need to get Doctor Tan now!" She meant business... I was fully dilated and suspected that she probably saw the crown of the baby head. I was placed in position for labour and when DR Tan came. She said okay push on your next contraction. With that baby was out. Just one push!!! Even the hubby was surprised given how difficult it was for the earlier 2. Tada!! That was how Baby E was born! 

A Proud Mama.

Today was Little D first day of school. Although it no.2 heading into school, this mummy couldn't help but feel the excitement for him. It's a day that I have been waiting for.... Because of no.3 in the stomach, I was wondering if I was able to head to school to witness my son's first day of school. I'm so happy that I did. 

C and I dropped the kids off in the morning. The drama that I was afraid would happen (it did with no.1) didn't. D was the complete opposite. He was prepared for school. He was what one will describe as ready. I was amazed and a little sad as how ready he was. He went through the health checks and said his goodbyes as though he has already been going to school for a long time. My big boy is all grown up... Aw.... The videos and photos I took of him showed him smiling and beaming as he enters school. So once he was in , we left and I went for breakfast before returning back for pickup at a later time. The feedback from teacher on day 1 was that he is a very secure kid who was able to comprehend and listen to instructions well. How can I not be proud of this little precious baby of mine?. Love you to bits baby!

Truly Blessed

Some might say I'm crazy. A heavily pregnant woman planning a party for a 5 year old kid. Since young I love parties, the more people the merrier. What's important is that everyone has a good time. However one thing about me is I love to throw a good party on a budget. What I mean by budget is to hunt for excellent valued stuff. Not just squander the money away.

This year for R I threw him a home party. We had about 28 kids with parents at grandma's Hse. Everything was home prepared. Nothing catered. I even baked cookies and his birthday cake which was a success! 

On the actual day, I had a few close friends come over to join him at the playground followed by macs for a short lunch before heading back to our place for play dates. Evening was spent with grandma having crab at long beach.

Multiple celebrations just for a little kiddo. If anyone ask why the effort for so many things, I'll say because he is my son and he is definitely worth celebrating for. 

Life of a military's wife.

You are 1st in his heart but never always first. There are a g-zillion things that are always cropping up before he can spend some time with you. It's not a 8am-5pm job... It's a 24 hour job. You will feel lonely at times but you'll survive. Not because you want to but because you have to. The men can't afford you to be clingy, suspicious or needy. In this relationship you have as a military wife you have to be understanding 99% of the time. Seems like a bad deal.. Well it is. We'll pay crazy last minute high airfares and accommodation fees just to spend some time away from the "national duty" but yet we still wouldn't have him 100%. There will be at least 10 messages even for a 2D 1N trip... If he weren't in the miltary, you might think he's having an affair. Locally, its worst... Mon to Fri, if you want a dinner date or even a meal at home, be prepared to starve or have it at 10pm if you are luckily. If it's not work, it'll be someone else's farewell, COC, funeral wake. Weekends are filled with someone's full month / child's first birthday / golf and so on. You'll be lucky to spend 1 day out of the week with him. Then again that day has to be shared with his family and your kids... So when do you really come into the picture? Can you deal with being married yet lonely at the same time? I'm pretty sure he feels lonely too...

Already in May..

I'm not a constant blogger but I blog to keep some of my thoughts and memories so that should there be a need one day, I have somewhere to turn to to read all my Happy Thoughts. I should try at least to blog once a month at least there are more constant updates of my happy memories.

Last weekend (23rd May 2015) was Little R's school annual concert. This year they brought it forward instead of the usual Sept/Oct period. The theme was Happy Birthday Singapore, seeing that we are 50 as a nation this year. As parents C and I are really proud of R. He had a role to play in the concert, narrating a prayer in Chinese. With month of drilling (mostly by school) and occasionally by me, he DID it! He did it so well in front of the crowd and did not even stutter. While watching his video of his narration, he even told me that "Mummy, do you know why i paused? It was because I had to swallow my saliva." How cute!

Just last Friday, 22nd May, I had routine check up at the gynae. This checkup brought along a whole lot of emotions and confusion. As most know from my previous post, I have been trying for a 3rd child. It is actually to the point where I'm about to give up. Anyway I'm still trying. This check up was confusing as there were signs of pregnancy yet at the same time no signs of pregnancy. This ended with me not knowing what to be or feel. I had a blood test taken and the result came out yesterday... so we'll see what happens next.

Last Day of January 2015...

Here we are on the last day of January 2015. Has it been 1 month into the year 2015 already? Time really flies doesn't it....

Wasn't it just Christmas and the New Year? Before we know it, its going to be Valentine's Day and CNY.

Life has been good to me so far. A loving husband and 2 lovely kids. Can a girl really ask for anything more? I'm really thankful to God for all my blessings. To some it may sound cliche but I'm truly thankful. I've had my share of up and downs. During my down times I look to the Lord and HE protects me, however in good times I often forget to thank HIM. I can never thank HIM enough.

Meeting C was really planned by the Lord. It was purely coincidental and who knew how we would have turned out. We met by God's Plan. 2 strangers on another continent, at the same spot, same time with nothing else in common. Not even friends. God chose the the unlikeliest spot on earth for me to meet the man he has planned for me in my life. Of all places a nightclub.... two unlikely people you'll find clubbing but happen to be there because of our own group of friends. God planted courage for him to ask for my number and planted trust in me to give the correct number (i usually give fakes hahaahah) and this was how it all started.

Was talking to C last night just about daily things and also our plans for a 3rd child. I'm not the most fertile person on earth but God has given me 2 lovely boys after periods of trying and waiting. We have been trying for a 3rd one but no such luck so far. I mentioned the thought of IVF seeing that it is common these days and he objected. He said if we have only 2 then so be it, he is more than happy with 2. He feels that I will have to go through a lot through the process and things might not be guaranteed so there is no such need. After all we have already got 2 lovely boys. He is merely trying to protect me and my body and not risk any procedures. Such Love from my hubby.

The two boys are growing lovely. R is now going to school for extended hours. 3 hours mainstream kindy and 3 hours enrichment each day. His linguistic skills are improving and I'm pretty satisfied with the results of his classes so far. D is now attending a bilingual class once a week and he's enjoying it. His social interaction skills are improving and so are his linguistics in both languages.

Yesterday we were in the taxi to drop R in school. Upon reaching school, R said Thank You to the Taxi driver then we continued in the cab to Plaza Singapura and D told the Taxi driver Xie Xie before getting off the cab. These actions were their own initiatives and no prompting was given from any adults. I'm impressed with their manners. =)

I'm happy being a wife and a mother at the same time. Business is growing but it can grow even more. =)

Progress Report

6 months since the last post. Where are we now.. hmmm Aug... no no no its already Sept. Oh gosh how time flies.

Let's see what has happened?

Personally I have gone back to work part time and started running my very own business. Yes! I'm a BOSS at last! Not easy but I have to reap hard before I can sow hard. Its been a learning journey and I'm still learning along my journey. HUAT AH! (this means good luck for business in my chinese ethnic group).

The boys are growing well, playing well, fighting well. There is the close brotherly love and need for their personal space as well.

Big Brother R is in his final term of school for the year. Oh man how time flies... soon i'll be in the mad hunt for a primary school. He has picked up swimming and is doing great... hmm what class shall i pick for him next (*kiasu mummy instincts kicking in)

Baby Brother D is just evolving in his own way. He has found his way to communicate with us in whatever he can pronounce and try really hard to do so. He is one cutie. Can't imagine he is already 1.5 year old. A little fighter I must say. Fights with the brother over the ownership of toys yets he also fights for my attention. Can't have enough cuddles from him.

Hubby and I have decided.... we are going to have our 2nd HONEYMOON! Tickets are booked, so is the hotel. Now time to plan our itineary. YAY!!!

Moment to Treasure....

I'm in Love. Yes that's right I'm in Love with my husband and my kids. Nothing makes me more happy than being able to be with them. As much as I've had the toughest decision to tender in January, being a SAHM for the past 3 Mths have given me moments which I would definately have missed if I was at work. Just today my little 3 year old decided before his afternoon nap to play treasure hunter. With his fingers mimicking a binoculars, he went around the room in search of his treasure. He then came right up to me open his arms hugged me and said :"mummy I found treasure!" The gleam in his eyes and the sparkling white teeth made me feel wonderful at that moment. He's growing up too fast! Soon I'll be missing his cuddles and kisses.

The younger one on the other hand is growing up as well. Can't believe that he's turning one in 2 weeks time! Busy busy planning for his party. He's been a real gem. His smiles are wonderful and his hugs are so sincere. What I enjoy most about him are his need to cuddle mum at night. He's starting to walk so much that I'm already missing his crawling and just sitting there stages. Blabbling and learning to be involved in conversations. Loving the little one.

Hubby has been busy on weekdays but weekends are always good with him around. I love us as couple and as parents to the lovely two boys. He's a great dad and I know he has a soft spot not only for me but for the mischievous lovely monkeys.

Love

Mummy of R&D

Just a miserable liar....

My emotions are in a state of turmoil right now. I just tendered my job last Friday after a long battle of thoughts and considerations. At the end of the day, I really feel sad about it. The people who are involved in my thought process seem to take it so easy... No one really ask how I feel. I feel like I didn't really have a choice. I feel upset although taking care of my kids should be my priority but am I suppose to be happy about not working for a period of time? What am I going to do? How do I earn my own keep without relying on anyone else? What's gonna happen? Success or multiple failures to come before me? How do I strive to be able to provides kids the best stuff? I'm just lost... I'm not dissing any SAHM here as I know it's hard work sacrificing everything for the kids but will I degenerate, have no friends and no life. Will all the years I spent studying just go to waste. Attaining my masters was my proudest moment in life... But what now?  Do I have the capability to attain the expectations set by others around me or will I just be viewed useless and a bum?

God I need u to guide me and give me strength for what lies ahead....

My Rays of Sunshine.

I Thank God for my family.  

For those who don't know how I met my husband, it was a miracle. I truly believe that God's hand was in our coincidental meeting at the most unexpected location.

We are not perfect on our own but we fit each other perfectly like two pieces of jigsaw.  With him, we have two lovely boys, of each different characters but charming in their own way. 

R's almost 3 and he has evolved into a really nice big brother with the existence of didi. I can't believe that he has already completed his first year of school. Such a big boy. Currently he's being toilet trained. More success than accidents so I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

D just turned 8 months. I'm a little guilty for neglecting here and there but I'm trying my best to juggle everything. My smiley baby is one of the cutest in the world ( I bet every mom says the same). He's begun to coo a lot and can comprehend simple instructions. Eating well so far and in terms of physical development he has started to stand with support from his cot. I love him to bits even though at times he wakes at unearthly hours to want to play with me. 

This is my family. My Rays of Sunshine.

Wishing for a normal life...

What's normal to you? Everyone has a different definition of normal but for me I don't mind just leading a life with my kids, not worries no stress... Is this even possible I wonder? No worries no stress I highly doubt so.  The last few week/months have been stressful. Stressed to the point I feel that that somehow I have changed a little. I'm less tolerant and more jumpy... I rarely smile. I miss smiling really happily. I miss being carefree. Don't carefree doesn't mean kids free. I love my kids to bits and there is nothing about them that I will change. Not being happy affects me affects them. I want to be the best mum to them yet I'm affected by trying to be the best daughter to my mum. Her condition is improving but the tensions and vibes in the house just drives me insane. I cry out loud inside my head. At times I hear my inner self screaming to the highest pitch with all my strength but outside not a sound. It's hard... So hard and I'm often tired but I'm thankful for my husband who is my rock in the midst of the storm.

God sent me two Angels.

Haven't had an entry in the last 2 months or so. September had been one of the toughest time. Dealing with the kids falling sick esp R who had a viral fever that went off and on for 3 weeks. D caught it as well but thankfully only the cough and a little of the runny nose. I too came down with flu in the final weeks of their recovery.

Mum has not been well either. One thing after another and it seems like no one has a solution to help her. We can only be there for her and pray hard that she'll recover from whatever she's suffering from.

I on the other hand have been taking leave here and there while I was back at work just to help manage the household at home. It's been tough to the point that I've opted to go ahead with a no pay leave for 3 months starting 1st Oct 2013 till 31st Dec then we'll see how from there. It's hard to come to this decision but I don't really have a choice. Family over work. Someone needs to look after them.. My kids and my mum.

All I can do is to be there and pray that things will get better. 

Amidst everything, I'm glad to have my two angels and a supportive husband.

Baby D

Dearest Baby D,

This blog post is dedicated to you. Mummy is currently feeling so much love for you. You are the sweetest thing. Today we went for 2 play dates with kor kor's friends and a trip to mummy's Uni friend's Hse, both times you were an absolute angel who was well behaved even though at times you were really tired. Mummy thanks you for being such an independent baby. Loving the cuddles and smiles that you bring to my life each day, I don't know how I'm going to return to work next week without you. Kisses for now.

Love Mummy

I'm no superwoman...

It's tough being a mum. The expectations always seem to be never ending. How do you really know if you are doing well enough? Currently I'm on my extended maternity leave and during this period of time, the running of the household has seemed to have fallen on my shoulders. I used to be dependent on my mum to do the ferrying of R to and from school. However I've been doing it as well as taking care of him after school as well as running some of the household errands for mum. It's really not easy and I'm thankful to mum for helping me out all this time while I was working. Now with R n D it's even harder tougher... Family members have been hinting for me to resign to take care of my own kids and to spend time with my mum as well... I feel a heavy weight on my shoulders and I dun really know what decision I should make... It's easy for people to say that family comes first but am I ready to give up working? I really dunno... Running everything being responsible for kids and everything else seems tougher more demanding... Am I ready?

Do You Remember Your Childhood??

As much as I try to remember mine, it seems rather vague. Not sure if its due to the pregnancy brain cell memory loss effect or I didn't have many exciting memories to begin with. All I recall most of the time was watching tv, napping, occasional water play in the backyard and running around in the garden.

Looking at my kiddo (currently only 1 is highly active and mobile), what I want to do is to create happy memories for him. This June was his very first school holidays. I'm really glad that I coincidentally was on leave to take him out instead of being cooped up at grandma's. 

Week 1: I realize his restlessness in being at home. There was really nothing much to do yet he found some toy to play or started exploring tricks and stunts that were unknowing to him to be dangerous. As days passed, he grew cheekier and cheekier. Managed to bring him to a few free indoor playgrounds for him to fuel his energy into some physical development.

Week 2: This week was awesome as I didn't need to crack my brains on what to do with him as I signed him up for a week of holiday class at JG which he thoroughly enjoyed!

Week 3: Though there were plans made, most had to be cancelled as the PSI in Singapore crossed the unhealthy levels and kiddos were best kept indoors. Time was filled with cartoons and DVDs but I made the effort to get him involved in a little baking which he enjoyed. To keep him happy I also cooked meals which he rarely got to eat at my mums. Pasta and more pasta as it is currently his favourite.

Week 4: This week he had 2 play dates organized. Both at Sing Kids Play System as I bought the vouchers prior to the sch hols and wanted to ensure I used them before they expired. Went to the united square one on tues with cousin Cheryl and on fri we headed to the vivo city branch with BFF Declan. Both times R really enjoyed himself to the maximum. He's become more cheeky and sociable. He says hi willingly on his own when he sees someone familiar... He's also starting to try to engage others in conversations. When he's at play alone, he'll also turn ordinary household items into lions and fishing rods and monsters... He's at a stage where I feel nurturing him is most important. I really want him to just enjoy his childhood and not limit his imagination. 

As a parent I started to smack or raise my voice when I hit my limit but I realize that through the eyes of my child, he doesn't understand why he got smacked. Instead to him i turned into a monster that frightened him. I've also learnt this holiday that discipline is done to instill appropriate behaviour and the fact that for every action there is a consequence and NOT fear or to cause pain. My purpose as a parent is to explain to the child why certain actions are wrong and what are the consequences instead of merely saying if you do this I'm going to smack you. It's not easy but I'm trying and learning at the same time. There are times where I've lost my cool and became a monster and saw the fear in my child's eyes. It's something that has struck my heart strings and I'm sorry to my child for those incidences. I'm glad that even with the occasional monster that appeared, he still loves me dearly and a hug and kisses brings back our bond as mother and child. Seeing his smiles, feeling his warm hugs and kisses is what makes motherhood worthwhile. 

To my kiddos, I love you more than you can ever imagine. It's a learning process but every moment with you is worthwhile. Hope to be the best mum I can be to you.

Love

Mummy

Empty promises...

This is a rather sad post as I'm feeling emo right now... Dunno if its hormonal or what but I'm really pissed and tired of everything.

Is it me or do all mothers out there do the same? Day in day out the kids stick to me, be it feeding, showering or bed time... Sometimes occasional help will be good but usually when the kids kick up a fuss the reply comes with a shrug and the word "he only wants you". Where's the effort? 

While attending to one I thought that by the time I'm done with the feeding that the other will be asleep by then, instead I find the father asleep and the kid still awake sitting up on the bed waiting for me. I spend at least another hour of my rest time coaxing him to sleep.

Often you say things like let's have that ice-cream or watch that DVD but when all the chores are done and the kids are asleep, you too are already deep in slumber. What about spending some time with me? Words to me are cheap and no longer holds any more value cos it goes up in hot air the moment it's released from your lips....

Here I am once again feeling taken for granted....

The Guilt Trip....

Being a mother of one is not easy, being a mother of 2 is even tougher.

Little R has been sick since yesterday. It started with a cough, fever and an insect bite to the eye. 3 different symptoms unrelated all upon the poor boy. Nobody likes being sick thus R was a little cranky. He misses home (currently staying at mum's due to some pipe repair at home), quarantined from baby D and doesn't get to see mummy much as she's often busy with baby D's needs.

I feel slightly guilty about not being there for him. Previously when he was sick he always looked for mummy to seek comfort yet this time round he hardly has mummy with him. I try my best if I'm not nursing baby d but u know all about timing it must always somehow coincide. I was happy to spend about 20mins with him in the playroom today. He enjoyed my company and was ever so ready to drop is toys that he was holding and gave me a hug when i asked for it. My little angel. I looked at him and thought to myself, he's only little once and i miss him already .its not the i love baby d any less but having spent so much time with R in the last 2 years and suddenly not being able to spend enough time in the last 2 weeks just makes me a little emotional. I know things will get better as baby D grows and I'll love both my boys equally. Just hope that in the process of managing both, little R doesn't feel that mummy loves him any less.

To my kids if you ever get to read this in the future, i bore you, I love you, never ever doubt that. You will never know the sacrifices that I've made but everything that i have done and will do will be for you.

With Love
Mummy to Baby R and Baby D