My Rays of Sunshine.

I Thank God for my family.  

For those who don't know how I met my husband, it was a miracle. I truly believe that God's hand was in our coincidental meeting at the most unexpected location.

We are not perfect on our own but we fit each other perfectly like two pieces of jigsaw.  With him, we have two lovely boys, of each different characters but charming in their own way. 

R's almost 3 and he has evolved into a really nice big brother with the existence of didi. I can't believe that he has already completed his first year of school. Such a big boy. Currently he's being toilet trained. More success than accidents so I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

D just turned 8 months. I'm a little guilty for neglecting here and there but I'm trying my best to juggle everything. My smiley baby is one of the cutest in the world ( I bet every mom says the same). He's begun to coo a lot and can comprehend simple instructions. Eating well so far and in terms of physical development he has started to stand with support from his cot. I love him to bits even though at times he wakes at unearthly hours to want to play with me. 

This is my family. My Rays of Sunshine.

Wishing for a normal life...

What's normal to you? Everyone has a different definition of normal but for me I don't mind just leading a life with my kids, not worries no stress... Is this even possible I wonder? No worries no stress I highly doubt so.  The last few week/months have been stressful. Stressed to the point I feel that that somehow I have changed a little. I'm less tolerant and more jumpy... I rarely smile. I miss smiling really happily. I miss being carefree. Don't carefree doesn't mean kids free. I love my kids to bits and there is nothing about them that I will change. Not being happy affects me affects them. I want to be the best mum to them yet I'm affected by trying to be the best daughter to my mum. Her condition is improving but the tensions and vibes in the house just drives me insane. I cry out loud inside my head. At times I hear my inner self screaming to the highest pitch with all my strength but outside not a sound. It's hard... So hard and I'm often tired but I'm thankful for my husband who is my rock in the midst of the storm.

God sent me two Angels.

Haven't had an entry in the last 2 months or so. September had been one of the toughest time. Dealing with the kids falling sick esp R who had a viral fever that went off and on for 3 weeks. D caught it as well but thankfully only the cough and a little of the runny nose. I too came down with flu in the final weeks of their recovery.

Mum has not been well either. One thing after another and it seems like no one has a solution to help her. We can only be there for her and pray hard that she'll recover from whatever she's suffering from.

I on the other hand have been taking leave here and there while I was back at work just to help manage the household at home. It's been tough to the point that I've opted to go ahead with a no pay leave for 3 months starting 1st Oct 2013 till 31st Dec then we'll see how from there. It's hard to come to this decision but I don't really have a choice. Family over work. Someone needs to look after them.. My kids and my mum.

All I can do is to be there and pray that things will get better. 

Amidst everything, I'm glad to have my two angels and a supportive husband.

Baby D

Dearest Baby D,

This blog post is dedicated to you. Mummy is currently feeling so much love for you. You are the sweetest thing. Today we went for 2 play dates with kor kor's friends and a trip to mummy's Uni friend's Hse, both times you were an absolute angel who was well behaved even though at times you were really tired. Mummy thanks you for being such an independent baby. Loving the cuddles and smiles that you bring to my life each day, I don't know how I'm going to return to work next week without you. Kisses for now.

Love Mummy

I'm no superwoman...

It's tough being a mum. The expectations always seem to be never ending. How do you really know if you are doing well enough? Currently I'm on my extended maternity leave and during this period of time, the running of the household has seemed to have fallen on my shoulders. I used to be dependent on my mum to do the ferrying of R to and from school. However I've been doing it as well as taking care of him after school as well as running some of the household errands for mum. It's really not easy and I'm thankful to mum for helping me out all this time while I was working. Now with R n D it's even harder tougher... Family members have been hinting for me to resign to take care of my own kids and to spend time with my mum as well... I feel a heavy weight on my shoulders and I dun really know what decision I should make... It's easy for people to say that family comes first but am I ready to give up working? I really dunno... Running everything being responsible for kids and everything else seems tougher more demanding... Am I ready?

Do You Remember Your Childhood??

As much as I try to remember mine, it seems rather vague. Not sure if its due to the pregnancy brain cell memory loss effect or I didn't have many exciting memories to begin with. All I recall most of the time was watching tv, napping, occasional water play in the backyard and running around in the garden.

Looking at my kiddo (currently only 1 is highly active and mobile), what I want to do is to create happy memories for him. This June was his very first school holidays. I'm really glad that I coincidentally was on leave to take him out instead of being cooped up at grandma's. 

Week 1: I realize his restlessness in being at home. There was really nothing much to do yet he found some toy to play or started exploring tricks and stunts that were unknowing to him to be dangerous. As days passed, he grew cheekier and cheekier. Managed to bring him to a few free indoor playgrounds for him to fuel his energy into some physical development.

Week 2: This week was awesome as I didn't need to crack my brains on what to do with him as I signed him up for a week of holiday class at JG which he thoroughly enjoyed!

Week 3: Though there were plans made, most had to be cancelled as the PSI in Singapore crossed the unhealthy levels and kiddos were best kept indoors. Time was filled with cartoons and DVDs but I made the effort to get him involved in a little baking which he enjoyed. To keep him happy I also cooked meals which he rarely got to eat at my mums. Pasta and more pasta as it is currently his favourite.

Week 4: This week he had 2 play dates organized. Both at Sing Kids Play System as I bought the vouchers prior to the sch hols and wanted to ensure I used them before they expired. Went to the united square one on tues with cousin Cheryl and on fri we headed to the vivo city branch with BFF Declan. Both times R really enjoyed himself to the maximum. He's become more cheeky and sociable. He says hi willingly on his own when he sees someone familiar... He's also starting to try to engage others in conversations. When he's at play alone, he'll also turn ordinary household items into lions and fishing rods and monsters... He's at a stage where I feel nurturing him is most important. I really want him to just enjoy his childhood and not limit his imagination. 

As a parent I started to smack or raise my voice when I hit my limit but I realize that through the eyes of my child, he doesn't understand why he got smacked. Instead to him i turned into a monster that frightened him. I've also learnt this holiday that discipline is done to instill appropriate behaviour and the fact that for every action there is a consequence and NOT fear or to cause pain. My purpose as a parent is to explain to the child why certain actions are wrong and what are the consequences instead of merely saying if you do this I'm going to smack you. It's not easy but I'm trying and learning at the same time. There are times where I've lost my cool and became a monster and saw the fear in my child's eyes. It's something that has struck my heart strings and I'm sorry to my child for those incidences. I'm glad that even with the occasional monster that appeared, he still loves me dearly and a hug and kisses brings back our bond as mother and child. Seeing his smiles, feeling his warm hugs and kisses is what makes motherhood worthwhile. 

To my kiddos, I love you more than you can ever imagine. It's a learning process but every moment with you is worthwhile. Hope to be the best mum I can be to you.

Love

Mummy

Empty promises...

This is a rather sad post as I'm feeling emo right now... Dunno if its hormonal or what but I'm really pissed and tired of everything.

Is it me or do all mothers out there do the same? Day in day out the kids stick to me, be it feeding, showering or bed time... Sometimes occasional help will be good but usually when the kids kick up a fuss the reply comes with a shrug and the word "he only wants you". Where's the effort? 

While attending to one I thought that by the time I'm done with the feeding that the other will be asleep by then, instead I find the father asleep and the kid still awake sitting up on the bed waiting for me. I spend at least another hour of my rest time coaxing him to sleep.

Often you say things like let's have that ice-cream or watch that DVD but when all the chores are done and the kids are asleep, you too are already deep in slumber. What about spending some time with me? Words to me are cheap and no longer holds any more value cos it goes up in hot air the moment it's released from your lips....

Here I am once again feeling taken for granted....

The Guilt Trip....

Being a mother of one is not easy, being a mother of 2 is even tougher.

Little R has been sick since yesterday. It started with a cough, fever and an insect bite to the eye. 3 different symptoms unrelated all upon the poor boy. Nobody likes being sick thus R was a little cranky. He misses home (currently staying at mum's due to some pipe repair at home), quarantined from baby D and doesn't get to see mummy much as she's often busy with baby D's needs.

I feel slightly guilty about not being there for him. Previously when he was sick he always looked for mummy to seek comfort yet this time round he hardly has mummy with him. I try my best if I'm not nursing baby d but u know all about timing it must always somehow coincide. I was happy to spend about 20mins with him in the playroom today. He enjoyed my company and was ever so ready to drop is toys that he was holding and gave me a hug when i asked for it. My little angel. I looked at him and thought to myself, he's only little once and i miss him already .its not the i love baby d any less but having spent so much time with R in the last 2 years and suddenly not being able to spend enough time in the last 2 weeks just makes me a little emotional. I know things will get better as baby D grows and I'll love both my boys equally. Just hope that in the process of managing both, little R doesn't feel that mummy loves him any less.

To my kids if you ever get to read this in the future, i bore you, I love you, never ever doubt that. You will never know the sacrifices that I've made but everything that i have done and will do will be for you.

With Love
Mummy to Baby R and Baby D

Day 18...

I'm finally getting into the routine. Little R being already 2 years + I've forgotten what it's like having to meet the needs of a newborn.

It's slightly easier yet different. Easier because I'm less anxious / flustered over each whimper and cry. My experience with #1 has taught me to listen wait before reacting. Hubby dearest has also been more hands on being an experience daddy often helping out with #1.

Difficult because both brothers often seem to be cahoots during bedtime. Both wanting and needing mummy's attention at the very same time. One will be hungry although he fed an hour ago and the other will just want mummy and no one else to pat him to sleep. There's also the management of #1 whose limelight has some what been stolen. Mischievous deeds begin, self infliction of pain such as smacking his own head really hard to seek attention. Apart from this, there's also the most difficult task of them all. Dealing with traditional confinement of not showering, feeling like crap due to fatigue and the post partum blues due to some let down of hormones. How does one actually survive all this?? It's not easy but thankful with the help of smart phones, Internet connection and social networking sites, i have google to provide me info on doubts that i have and my mothers support network of mummies going through similar situations.

Today marks Day 18 of confinement.10 more days and I'm done till the next baby if we decide to have another....

Growing Up a little to fast....

Today marks the day that my little precious R who turned 2 not too long ago (1 month and 2 weeks to be exact) begins his school journey. For months i've been prepping him for this day, the person whom I forgot to prep was myself. Since yesterday evening I was already feeling so much anxiety over ensuring that he has everything that he needs for school in his bag. From tagging his uniform to labelling the bottles and getting him to take responsibility of packing his own school bag as well as ironing his uniform. Even hubby commented that "WoW its been ages since you held an iron." The maternal protective instinct is coming out I guess, ensuring that his first day of school will be perfect. After hubby and son fell asleep, i laid awake throughout the night often turning to look at the clock. It was as though it was my own very first day at school... Can't imagine what i'll be like on on night before my son's first exam, wedding etc...

This morning was perfect. The weather was cool and slightly gloomy but I knew that he'll be okay. He was happy and excited for school. Took a shower then carried his own uniform to get changed and had his hair nicely comb before looking at the special sandwiches that mummy prepared for him in his brand new lunch box. Sandwiches shaped like stars and hearts for his special day. Took a few snapshots for memories and off to school we went.

We arrived early at the school and therefore got a parking lot. Walked him to the drop off point and through the health check point and off he was holding the teacher's hand. After a while the teacher guided him into the lift and off he was independently on his own with the teachers whom i have to trust will take good care of my precious. While he was brave throughout the entire process, mummy couldn't help but stood behind a pillar and started tearing... My little one is so brave and independent. Didn't want to shatter his confidence because I was that slightly more emotional.

Hubby and I then headed to the canteen to wait just in case a phone call came my way. After an hour or so, i headed to the kindy premises to see if i could get a sneak peek. I stood outside the class only to see a well behaved boy who was enjoying himself in class. I'm definitely very very proud of you Baby R!!!

Mummy and Daddy Loves u more than you can imagine!!!

Introducing Our New Bundle of Joy

Yes Yes! He's finally here, introducing Baby D.

Here's the birth story;
14th March: Abt 4:30pm was in the toilet and there i had it a bloody show. I thought it was the mucus plug as that point of time i wasn't sure of the difference. Started googling on mucus plug and hoe soon till delivery ... Apparently hours, days, weeks. Called the clinic as i wasn't sure what to do next. Sister Han gave me an appointment for the next morning 9am and to monitor for any contractions.

Drove over to Mum's to return the car and pick little R up. Arranged for hubby to pick us instead of driving home as i just wasn't sure... Felt excited yet worried.

On the way home i even had a drive through macs for supper. Had a quarter pounder with cheese, fries and and mango pineapple frappe. Even joked with hubby that this might be my last meal before delivery.

15th March 2013: 3am woke to head to the toilet as usual. This time something disn't feel right. Having on off cramps every 5 mins. Wasn't intense but i senses this was it. I knew what contractions felt like before so this was contractions.

3:30am: Woke the husband to get ready. Got mum to come over to baby sit sleeping Little R as well as ferry him to school that day.

4:30am: Checked into delivery ward. Placed under observation for about an hour. Dilated 2-3cm. Given enema to clear bowels the was moved to delivery suite room 3.

8:30am : Dr Tan arrived. Checked 2cm. Burst water bag and was offered breakfast. She mentioned still long way probably afternoon. This time i was a little smarter. Ordered the sandwiches for breakfast instead of the porridge as for no.1 i had porridge and by 6pm i was starving...

9:30am: Opted for epidural. Didn't even try the gas mask this time. Damn it was painful without the gas. Scream and shouted... Think the anestatist also scared of me.

11:15am : Started pushing and preparing for delivery. Could feel baby pushing down on my V. The pressure was a lot more compared to previous one as epidural was less dosage.

11:47am: DONE!!!

In a few days....

I've yet to mention this in my blog but in a few days time... we are going to grow from a family of 3 to a family of 4.

Through the 9 months of carrying baby junior, I've yet to mention him at all in the blog, perhaps the excitement may have dwindled having had the first but this doesn't mean that I love him any less. I'm really looking forward to the day you'll be out of my womb and into my arms where I'll be able to cradle you and shower you with lots of love.

I reckon having 1 kid and having 2 is rather different. Having 1 means that all attention can be focused on just that 1. Having 2 we'll have different issues to manage. I really do hope that Little R is prepared for his brother, so far we've been telling him positive things about having a brother and making him feel really good about being a big brother. He can't wait for the little one to come play with him his soccer ball.

Currently I do have some doubts if I can be a good mum to both equally. I've been so used to having just 1 little R and most of the time I'm exhausted already. Where am I going to find the energy for 2? However I know that a mother's love is the greatest in the whole wide world and I'll be able to handle it when the time comes. Just hope that neither will ever doubt my love for them.

With Love,
Mummy of Little R and Junior

5 Years and Counting...

This post is one day late but I'll still post it anyway. Yesterday was a special day to me because it was the day 5 years ago when i decided to get married and be committed to my then boyfriend and now husband.

The fire of romance will dwindle with age but I'm contented with what with have achieved as a couple to date. We are just like any other couple. Through the past 5 years, we've fought, argued, said things we've regretted but most of all we've loved. Love and commitment is what has seen us through the years and will see us through the lifetime.

I'll like to admit that I'm not the most religious Christian around but its often in my quiet moments like this that I'll like to take time to Thank God. I truly believe that everything that has happened in my life was all planned by HIM from the very start. Although it is said that we are made perfect by the potter's hand and in God's eyes, i know that I still have my flaws. The both of us are not perfect individuals but definately a perfect fit as a couple. In this lifetime I'm thankful for then opportunity given to work as a team to raise our kids in a place we call home.

We celebrates our anniversary with a massage followed by dinner and a musical. Musicals is something we both enjoy and indulge in. Yesterday is one of the rare few ocassional where we could let Little R spend the night at his grandparents and have a date night out. We watched Jersey Boys! I simply love date nights where time and focus is spent only on just the 2 of us.

Another heart breaking moment.....

Papa has been away for the past 5 days. He's finally coming home tonight. Yippee for me and baby R. Little R misses Papa lots. Been picking up the house phone to imitate calling his papa and blabbering "putehteh putehteh" lots into the phone (I think its his special way of saying I LOVE YOU, we are not sure where he picked it up from but he's been using his own language to say this for a very long time).

The start of the week has not been easy. As I have early morning classes on Mondays, I was unable to take Little R to school. After a 2 day break over the weekend, we started at square 1 all over again. There's the drama of handing him over to the teacher at the drop off point each day. He'll cry and struggle till his face is all red and teary and it breaks my heart to be there watching him being "taken" from me.

Today was no different. We woke, had our little conversations in bed before getting up for a shower and getting him changed into his uniform. After which he headed downstairs to the playroom to play his puzzle. After my breakfast, I went into the playroom to say "Okay dear, i think its time to go to school." and the reply i got was "no..... no school... market?" He was indicating that he wanted to go to the market instead of school. Day 4 and he's starting to not want to go school from inside the house. I managed to convince him to put on his socks and shoes and into the car. As we were driving to school, I tried to make the journey a pleasant one for him. Sang with him all his favourite songs and he was smiling away in the car. However the moment when I made the turn into the lane that lead to the school, he said "noooo... mummy noooo..." I had to tell him that I was going to follow him and wait with him for his teacher. While waiting I offered him a Yakult and spoke good things about the school as well as showed him how happy the kiddos were to attend school. There were many kids streaming in with their parents with smiles on their faces running and jumping happily. He was just sitting on my lap watching them and pouting away. Then came the time for the health check. He was slightly reluctant but still walked through the checked and followed the instructions. When the time came to hand him over to the teacher-in-charge, he started crying and struggling. The teacher had to carry him.While struggling he managed to fling off his school bag and school shoes. Although in my heart I know that he'll be fine after 10-15mins of crying in class, but at that point my heart literally broke. I became emotionally and started to tear.

While driving to the office, I thought to myself... was all that really necessary? Is it really going to be only a short term that he's going to cry and it'll all be better after a while? Is he too young for school since he only turned 2 like in nov last year? Why am I putting him through such agony? Sigh...

For now as my heart feels the pain my mind tells me that I can only wait and trust. Not only trust the teachers in school but trust that my little boy will adapt and school is good for him.
"Dear Lord,
This is my prayer to you. I'll first like to give Thanks for getting Little R a place in our desired school. It was a waiting game but we placed our trust in you and our prayers were answered. I'll like to now pray for Little R that he see the school as a place he can have fun and be independent. I pray that he'll enjoy school and the activities taught by the teachers. He'll make friends and have the love and want to go to school each morning. I pray for the morning dramas to end and that each car ride we take together to and from school will be a meaningful bonding time between parent/grandparent and child. I lift my worries unto the Lord and trust that you will always be watching over my child and our family.

In Jesus Most Precious Name
Amen."

A new phase in life...

Tomorrow marks a new milestone for Little R. He's starting school for the first time... this time on his own little 2 feet. For month's I've been telling him that he'll have to be a brave little boy and go to school by himself to meet new friends and teachers. Just as he cannot follow mummy to work, mummy also cannot go with him to school. We'll see how it goes.

Mummy's more anxious than him. Though he's only 2 years old. Its seems like he's already all grown up. Mummy's got to be BRAVE BRAVE BRAVE!!!

A Mother’s Dilemma…

Recently, leaving for working in the morning is a daily tussle between my son. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m in my final trimester that he is getting more attached or it’s a phase that he’s just going through as part of the “terrific twos.” Whichever it is, today’s  episode has been the most heart wrenching so far. I believe in not disappearing from sight as I just simply feel that it’s not right to do so.  So every morning I’ll spend some time with him before telling him that mummy’s got to go to work now, can I get a Hug and Kiss and I’ll see you when I get back? It used to work with him saying “bye” and I can walk out of the door with no tears until lately. Today was no different, he plopped himself on my lap and said “nooooo… mummy come” and held onto my fingers tightly not willing to let me go to work. Then the fateful moment where the words I didn’t believe came out. I hugged him and said “Mummy has to go to work to earn money so that I can buy you toys and all the nice stuff ok?” His eyes turned red and teary as he replied: “Nooo… mummy….  no… don’t want. “ It was at this moment that I knew he needed more of my presence than any of the material gifts that money could buy. It was at this moment that my heart broke into a thousand pieces….

We often think about how we need to keep working to provide a better quality of life for our children (e.g. enrichment class, toys etc) but have you ever sat down to think about what they really need is not the stuff we can provide but rather the presence and comfort that we as parents provide to them.